Another Year "More" & Maybe This Year... Wiser

Hello, it has been a while since my last posting. I have been swamped with school and family "stuff" so any writing I have been able to do has been for classes and any free time has been spent with my family. Surprisingly, I passed all my classes and everyone is still alive, so I would have to say it was a pretty good semester and a great way to wrap up 2013.

This year has been a hell of year for me, to say the least, a lot of changes and a lot of losses, but there were also a lot of Blessings I either rediscovered or that just happened to appear in my life when I needed them the most.

 I think that is the most important thing I take away from this year, to hold onto to the Blessings because things could be worse. But isn't that the old saying our parents, Grandparents even Great Grandparents used to say all the time? "Yes, things are bad, but they could be worse", and they were/are right, it can always get worse. So I am going to focus on the positives that are happening in my life and the negatives will just fall to the wayside.

Let's see, I found out my family is really an awesome family! If I had to admit a regret it would be that I didn't allow them to show me sooner. That I shut down and shut everyone who could/did love me out, because I felt unworthy or that there was something wrong with me. Turns out it wasn't me at all, I am an amazing person, I mean WOW you would be so lucky to be half of me. (Ewww, ego does not suit me, it turns my tummy), but anyway, I am the best and the worst of my parents, but what I choose to display, is the best!

Thanks to my Aunt Sadie and Cousin/Sister Dawn, I have been reminded of the good that runs in my family. For awhile I have to admit, I focused on the bad, the things that were wrong. I held onto it like a security blanket, because as long as I did I didn't have to allow myself to be vulnerable or "touchable" because there was this vale of "unworthiness" and as long as I had that, that could be my excuse for not trying, not reaching, not receiving.

 I haven't put that security blanket in the trash yet, but it is a least tucked into a trunk. I still pull it out once in awhile when I am feeling down and sorry for myself, but I always manage to put it back. We all have those times, when we just want to stop being "everything" for everyone else and just "not be" anything for a little while. At those times I take it out and curl up with it on my bed and I think, "Is this how I wanna live the rest of my life? Curling up in my bed in the dark feeling unloved and unwanted unless I can do for other? Then I tell myself that I am done feeling sorry for myself and I put it away and move on.

Hopefully one day soon, I will be able to burn it along with all the other negative feelings I have been holding onto, because those are the things that keep me from being the real me.

My husband, my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! We are going through a rough patch, well have been going to through a rough patch, but we are working together to make things right again. I see him trying with the kids and the kids responding to that. I mean, once I get over the whole guilt for not being able to give them more and I realize that I am there parent, my job is not to make them happy 24/7/365, it is to teach them how make morally and ethically sound decisions in their lives. To be able to realize you don't have to have everything your way in order to be happy. Once I accept that as my philosophy and moral compass, things have gotten a whole lot better. My husband gets aggravated, but he is finding patience and that is the greatest gift I could ever hope to give him.

Well that and a boat load of kids and me! .oO(but that might be considered re-gifting LOL ) Either way, we may have our hills and valleys, sometimes even mountains and gorges, but we will climb or fall together and that is the best part, knowing that his hand is never too far away.

I have conquered another semester of college! Keeping my 3.0 GPA (granted it's .20 points lower than last semester, but Math and I, well we have just accepted that will we have to agree to disagree. So by the Spring of 2015, I should be graduating with my AAS in Social Work, then move onto to receive my Bachelors in Psychology, and somewhere in there we will move home, to Michigan! Home.... with my family and my other family! My two families becoming one big happy family! My greatest wish and most urgent dream, because time is not slowing down and I fear losing most of them before my kids get to meet them. To help them find their sense of family and heritage, but even more, the stories! Stories that even I don't know, those things you just can't learn from Ancestory.com.

I look back on 2013 with appreciation and some sorrow. I look to 2014 with promise, hope and nothing but love.

Merry Christmas to All May your Blessings be many and bright! And may your stockings and heart runneth over with love!

Sometimes I Feel as Lost as He Feels Angry

My 8 year old son has a temper, a quick temper, an unpredictable temper! It is hard to know what will set him off, but once he is upset, he is past the point of bringing himself back to reason and calm and I am lost as to how to help him deal with the anger he is feeling. I am left feeling exposed and vulnerable, because I do not know how to help my son.

I know he must be scared too, to be so young and have such a temper is probably a very frightening thing. So you would think, a calm, loving person just to sit beside you, not say anything, not try to make it better, just accepts you're angry and allows you to feel it would be somewhat of a good thing. Actually, that just upsets him more screams "GET OUT!" or just screams while rolling around on the floor flailing about.

I try to give warnings, "Nicholas it sounds like you are getting upset, I think it is time to take a break."
Result - FIT
I try to have him sit in time out,"Nicholas that is unacceptable behavior, now you must sit down until you can calm down and apologize."
Result- SCREAMING NO! ARGUING "What did I do?" "I'm only 8!"
I try reasoning (HA), "Nicholas, I know this is hard and can be frustrating, but anger is not the answer. Screaming, pulling your hair, throwing things, hitting/kicking your brother/sister, is not okay responses."
Result - SCREAMING & ARGUING "It isn't fair."
I have tried removing him (picking him up and carrying him to his room) from the situation, he fights me there as well, grabbing for walls, stiffening his legs and arms, basically turning into a log. I then end up spending a half hour just trying to keep him in his room or time out. I just expected one of these techniques to to show me sign of improvement. Maybe a month isn't long enough to see a change. Even though that month I am doing it probably on average about 8 - 12 times a week. I thought they were, when he gets mad now he stomps off to his room, slams the door and does whatever for about 5-10 minutes, then comes out. He is calm and he apologizes without being prompted. My husband says that isn't enough, he needs to be learning to stop the fit before he even starts i,t because he doesn't feel that Nicholas is really learning anything, except "If I go to my room and then I apologize all will be okay". I thought it was a start, now I am not so sure.

Then I thought "remove the things that I know have a tendency to anger him". Yah, sounds good right? Well that would be almost everything in the house; video games, board games, books, school, homework, chores, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, green beans, corn, etc.

There is no reason to the madness that is my son. I am trying to remain patient, loving, calm, and understanding. So that he can feel safe and like he is not alone in his feelings. But I also have to teach 6 siblings how to deal with him, while dealing with him. I am exhausted! They have to know that when it starts, there is no stopping it, there is no reasoning with him, no distraction, no explanation, no threat of punishment nor consequence that will penetrate the boys thinking; he is in the tunnel too far. Sometimes I feel they trigger him because they know his fit will far out weigh anything that they did, so maybe they push him. I just don't know, all I do know is I cannot battle him while I have to battle them as well. I refuse to do it!

I feel, helpless, clueless and worst of all I don't like him very much. I don't like how he can turn a family board game into an uncomfortable spectacle. I don't like how I feel myself lose control of my patience and thought process. I don't know how to talk to he will listen, I try to do the active listening and he just persists to continue with his fit, so I feel I am left with no choice but to put him in his room, so we both can calm down to discuss it later.

I am tired and feeling quite helpless at the moment. I am hoping sleep will bring me peace and new sense of purpose and direction in the morning.

There has to be a way... maybe a bigger spoon?

Holy Crap on a Cracker! What a Day!

I touched on my "almost" obsession with family in my last post and I think with the help of Brene Brown and other authors, I am starting to figure out why I am in so homesick. Connection, that feeling of belonging you can only get and feel when you are face to face with someone. When you know, that you are safe to be who you are and how you are at that moment. That you will be listened to without judgement or having someone play the role or fixer, blamer or one-upper. They will just sit with you in that dark place and just be. No shame, no guilt, just acceptance and love. I don't have anything like that down here. I mean I know I can call them, talk to them on Facebook, but that just isn't the same. Our brains are hard wired for the feeling of connection, when that very simple need is met, we can grow and learn more. We feel fulfilled and are able to enjoy life more and not "sweat the little things" as much, because we aren't searching for that "safe place" that connection.

I thought that pretty cool... and it was like a light went on in my head. "This is why I wanna go home! I have no connections here". Well I have my husband and children, but I am also learning that our connections are faulty and in some desperate need of repair. Unfortunately, while those repairs are being made, I will be lacking on the connection front, but that is okay because now that I know what all that was about, I know how to fix it. Phone calls and letters, although those aren't face to face and can't replace the simple unspoken words of a silent hug, they will have to do for now. So, yay me! Thanks Brene Brown.

I also learned that I am, (how do I say this correctly?), I am not a bad parent I just have bad parenting skills. I have been guilty of telling my children that what they are feeling, they don't really feel. When they come to me and say; "I'm hungry." My response is to tell them; "you can't be hungry, we just had dinner." Yah, I see you nodding your head, we all are guilty of that in some way shape or form. It's 54 degrees outside, the child wants to go out without their sweater, "Put your sweater on, you're cold." Child accidentally get hits with pillow you are tossing on the couch, they grab their face, "OW Mom you got my eye." "Oh stop it it doesn't hurt it was just a pillow."  Need I go on? Yah I didn't think so. What I am  teaching them is that they shouldn't trust their instincts, that they should look to me to tell them how they feel or should react. Yah, if you thought your kids didn't have half the brain God gave a gnat before, yah keep that crap up and they will be waiting for you to tell them when they need to use the restroom or get a drink. (If only I knew how true that statement would be).

I am also guilty of; not paying direct attention to them when they speak to me. "By not looking away from the television or the book or whatever I am doing, I am not listening wholeheartedly. It basically, devalues them and they start to think and believe that they are not important enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, entertaining enough for us to completely focus on them for even 30 seconds!" When I heard that, (it was an audio book), I had to pause it and I just starred at the screen for a few moments, as if trying to contact the author to clarify what I had just heard, but there was no one there, just the picture of the cover of the book. All the things they were talking about in the first 9 pages, were true of my family, of me! Holy Schznitts! 


I mean I had just done this before hearing that statement. Here's the scene: Nicholas came in to ask me for a snack. Now I was reading, but I had just looked at the clock and I realized it was snack time, so I basically knew someone was going to be in within the next 5 minutes, so I knew what was going to be asked before he even came in. Shoot, before he even got fully into the office and said "mom?", I had my answer already queued up, all I had to do was mindlessly hit play. I didn't even look up. I mean, I should get points for knowing my children, right? Why do I need to pay full attention to them if I know how they think? How is that going to be damaging?

If were "just a few times", probably not, but I started thinking about if there were other time and they flashed through my head like I was looking through those Fisher Price View -Master toy I had when I was a kid, and there were more than "just a few". I was heartbroken, because I realized if I had done this with my 8 year old, how many times have I done it through out my 23 years as a parent?

The other thing I learned and this is major, is I teach disrespect by allowing name calling in the house. Wha??  Yes, all those names I say in play; silly head, goofball,  weirdo, sometimes even idiot and retard, even though they are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. They should never be an okay thing to do. James and I shouldn't call each other names, we shouldn't call the kids names and we definitely shouldn't all them to call each other names. When we make that okay in the house because we are "playing" or "fooling around", they then think it's okay and they take it out of the house where others may not take it as "playful terms of endearment, and that is where our little "displays of affection" turns into meanness and even bullying. "Wha?! Shut the front door!"  I mean, I can even remember the excuse being made of "If I didn't like you I wouldn't pick on you", being thrown around when someone said they didn't like it when they were called names. What the hell! Things are becoming so clear to me now. Never thought about that did ya? Or maybe you did and I am a little dense or looking for someone to stand with me in this bright spotlight of "improper parenting".
The good thing about this is that I now realize it, and if I realize it I can acknowledge it as wrong and I can begin to make changes.

I am not the perfect parent- well I was before I had kids. Before they came along I know how it was going to be; it would be just like on The Cosby Show. I would parent with love and fairness and they would come to me with problems, admit their mistakes and learn from them and it definitely wouldn't hurt if they grew up to become successful Dr.s and lawyers and teachers. sigh 

Well reality has just set in; and this is not scripted! I am a good parent, my kids are good kids, but we can all be better. Especially now that I am learning and accepting that I don't know everything and more importantly, I probably won't know everything. I don't think anyone can ever know everything, because the rule books change all the time. I need to keep learning every day, through being/allowing myself to be seen vulnerable by making mistakes and admitting that they are indeed mistakes, to make myself look better to everyone else. 

Too Many Questions! Too Much Thinking!

I have been really home sick lately, like to the point of feeling like there is something missing from my life, that if "only I were home, I would be so much better, my kids would be so much better, life would be so much better". What is that about? Why do I feel that if I just move my family back home, (being Michigan), that everything will be better? I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out legitimate reasons for that way of thinking. Not that going home is a bad thing. I believe that having a larger family unit; Aunts, Uncles, Great Aunts, Great Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins would be beneficial to my children, who really don't have friends or people to hang out with and visit on a regular basis.

Family has ALWAYS been a big deal for me. I have been struggling to find "my family" since well I guess my mom died, and even though I come from a large family, I was the baby so I wasn't really "close" to my brothers and sisters, well except for one; Steve and his wife Pat. They went above and beyond trying to make me feel loved and a "part" of something. Pat told me a little while ago, when I first openly admitted to my family about the abuse and the bad choices that I made, because of that abuse and the lack of anyone "helping" me. (Not that I blame them per say, the choices were my choices, but I couldn't help but feel if someone had reached out to me, I might have made better ones). Then I realized, someone did; Pat and I shut her out! My one saving moment and I turned away and lied to her, she of course could read me like a book, still can to this day, but didn't push, knew that I would come to her in time. Unfortunately, due to circumstances that took me further and further away in distance, it took me 20 years to go to her and my brother and confess my "sins". It was a healing moment for me, because here I was being extremely vulnerable to people whose opinions of me mattered so much. In the past all I felt was rejection or judgments, but from her and Steve I only felt love, unconditional love and acceptance.

I want my children to have that feeling too, that no matter what they do or do not do, whether they become successful or just live paycheck to paycheck there is unconditional love here. They will never be judged or made to feel not good enough, and yet I am struggling with whether or not that is really what I am putting out there to them. Are they really feeling that unconditional love and sense of belonging and pride that I felt when talking with and just being around my family? I hold so tightly to this family because I feel so far away and almost alienated from my family. So I am almost obsessively trying to fix my family. This one has to regardless whether we all fit or not. Am I trying to make a complete family; mother father and children, where there just can't be? Are we capable of being a cohesive harmonious family? Am I trying to make a mule into a show horse, is the county way of putting it I guess.

James and I are struggling, and I don't think either one of us really knows what fears are truly in the others heart. How much hurt or resentment is being harbored there, because of the actions or non-actions of the other. There is a wall and I am not sure how to get around or over it at this point in time. I actually feel that through my attempts to help him see clearer as to what is fear based, I am actually succeeding in doing the opposite and actually handing him more bricks to barricade himself behind. I know he has a strong fear of being rejected and a lot of past experiences have helped to cement that foundation, so a lot of his actions are, I feel, done to prove his point, that he is unworthy and unlovable. I know it isn't how he wants to live or love, but he doesn't know any other way and he isn't consciously making decisions, his fear is leading him. I love my husband, but I have to remember that loving someone means doing what is best for them and not what is best because you think it is. I also know that there are things about me that I am probably doing wrong as well that hurt or anger him. I try to "self medicate", meaning that because I have been in counseling, I am taking psychology I have been told by quite a few professionals as well as friends and family that I have a keen grasp of the human psyche, I cannot, more importantly should not been trying to counsel my husband or myself. Although, I can listen to him, I cannot steer him in any direction, because I am emotionally invested. I am not skilled enough to separate his needs from my own emotional gains. Meaning, I would have to ask to myself constantly, am I doing this because it would be what is best for him or best for me? I try to always think about what I want to say and how to say it so that I am heard in the way that I am meaning and not coming from a place of anger or resentment or superiority. That just seems to cause me to ask more questions and question my motives even more, almost to the point that I do nothing because I am so unsure of what it is I am really trying to do. Am I saying or doing XYZ because it is really what he needs to hear and see or is it so that I can be right and to the world that I can save him, I can make him better. Hey all you doubters out there, I told you a person could be saved and I saved him. I didn't think that is what I was doing? I thought I was doing it because I love this man, but if I wasn't why would that thought even pop into my head? It raises all sorts of questions and I start to color my thinking and question every thought that I have.

I want to go vacant for just a few hours; no thoughts, no questions, nothing but peaceful calm, because here there are too many questions and too much thinking....

Best Laid Plans ... Not Seeing Any Action Either

I realize I have been a little lax on my blogging, even though I had decided I would be more vigilant this time, like with all things, it just got away from me. Plus, I was having a really hard time sifting through all the thoughts/feelings in my head. Although, that was what this blog was supposed to be for, somewhere to let it all hang out and hopefully by the end of it, I would have an "ah ha" moment. Yeah, and if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, right?

So it is now, or will be in a couple of hours, August. Twenty-six more days until school starts for everyone, well almost everyone, James and Patrick won't be going to school, as much as they want to, at least not yet. Let me tell you, I am so very ready for it! I had originally decided to take the summer off, because I thought I needed a break and because I know my kids; they wouldn't be able to be civil to each other for 4 hours a day, someone would wind up getting hurt or worse yet, breaking some of my stuff.

 I will never make that mistake again!

College, as it turns out, for me, is my vacation, and the kids, couldn't be civil to each other with me in the house and stuff still got broken. So, really my staying at home with them, accomplished nothing that I thought it would. I did manage to keep the grass mowed and the house cleaner and the pool clean for, I'm not exactly sure who. It's funny, I thought being that this is Texas and the temperature breaks 100 almost every day in the summer (which starts in May and runs through October), the pool would get more use than it has this year. It is a little too shallow and small for an adult to really effectively swim. It is more of a bob up and down and float around kind of pool, although, the kids, who are under 5 feet tall, enjoy it a lot, when they get in, but they have to have everyone get in before they will get in. "Swimming by yourself is boring."  but I digress.

I have an appointment with Dr. Gaddam, (my "everything" Dr) a 6 month check up for my hypertension, high cholesterol and hypoglycemia on the 6th, which I am not looking forward to I might add. I haven't lost anymore weight, or if I did I found it again, or maybe it's muscle? I would like to hope it muscle, but I have a funny feeling I am not going to be that lucky. My sleeping habits are erratic again and I am pretty sure my cholesterol has come back up enough for her to not be happy.

I will admit, I have no will power and I kind of feel like I have no support system either. I can't make the food that I need to eat because that would require me making two separate menus and buying a whole extra grocery list, we just cannot afford that right now. I know my health is not something to be bargained over, and the kids wouldn't be harmed in eating healthier foods, so those probably are just excuses. It is hard to explain, I have children who are very picky eaters, a husband and two children that will not eat fish, don't like the smell of fish cooking, don't even like to walk by that section of the store. All of them despise vegetables, except for corn, green beans and even those they only eat a tablespoon of. I started buying the V8 Splash, and pouring that into a plain pitcher so that they would get the vitamins they needed but refused to eat. When it comes to the meat I buy, a lot of chicken, sometimes some pork chops or a nice loin, but I am a farm raised, country girl, I have to have my red meat; be it a good burger or a juicy steak. That is maybe once or twice a month though, so I know I am good on that.  I have also been watching what the labels say about sodium, cholesterol, sugar and fat and I have been watching my portions, but some how I know that isn't enough. I need to start moving more so this weight starts falling off of me and stays off.

I do yoga, I try to do the elliptical 3 times a week, but it really kills my knees; I think the stride is too long for my short little legs. I do a lot more outside yard work, mowing the grass, weed eating, that short of thing, but I just don't feel that is enough either. I wish the heat could melt away the fat that is being stored in my body while I burn calories, because doing yard work during 110 degree day and knowing that you are sweating enough for 3 people yet not seeing any weight lose, is disheartening. I know, you lose water weight when you sweat. I want to lose "weight" weight, the flabby skin from my arms and my neck, my thunder thighs that are cute on babies but not on 44 year old women and the hanging belly from being pregnant, which may be excess skin, but I am pretty sure there is fat in there too. Despite it all, I know I am either going to be put on a stricter diet, or some other drastic regime to help me get this weight off before I wind up in the hospital in need of bypass surgery or angioplasty. Balloons are for birthday parties only. Then of course there is the smoking.... and that is all I am going to say about that.

Things right now are just really tentative and really up in the air on a lot of fronts for me, and these next few weeks will either be amazing or totally shit. Unfortunately, only time will tell.  I just know that I need to get back into school, because that is where I feel I know what I am doing, I have control over that. If I study I get A's, if I don't I get C's. Out here in the real world I feel I have no control. When I think I have things in my control, BAM, something happens to prove that I don't. I plan for things, and those plans go well for awhile and then BLAM-O, a wrench comes from somewhere off stage and I am left scrambling to figure out how I am going to recover. Sure, I know I will  recover, so I don't panic, but after like the 300,000 time of thinking I finally figured it out and something happening to teach me that "Uh..No you don't". I am left wondering what is it exactly that I am supposed to be learning? I know life is unpredictable and spontaneous and I wouldn't want it any other way really, but these little "glitches", get annoying after awhile. I mean, I wake up positive, I face my problems with positive attitudes, but if I am being totally honest with myself, every once in awhile, I have to admit I'm just tired. Not, "sick and tired"or "tired of it all", just plain T-I-R-E-D!

I do know that sometime soon, possibly after the 2013-2014 school year, I am moving back to Michigan and taking whoever wants to go or is under aged. I believe in my heart that my "family" could use some "family" interaction. With Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, adopted Grandparents who would love nothing more than to share their love of family with more young people. I really feel in my heart that my children would behave so much differently up there then they do here, where they are pretty much isolated from the world, somewhere kids know there is more to life than video games and computers. Somewhere, where the schools are better and the weather is easier to want to get out and "do things".

I have to admit, although I enjoy the warmer winters and lack of snow to shovel, the summers are just too hot to want to get out and do anything outside, other than the pool and we have discussed that already. I miss the days when the sun went down so did the temperature. When you stepped into the shade you actually felt like it was cooler and most of all when you were outside it didn't feel "stuffy". The air just feels so thick here, it clings to you like Cellophane to frosting of your birthday cake, which sucks because that is always the best part.

Hopefully, that plan will see some action, unlike the other plans I have been trying to make that seem to get cold water thrown on them and fizzling out.

Regardless, what happens, I have my spoon and I will just keep going... eventually it will work itself out.

Moving Mountains One Baby Spoon At A Time

I realized last night after another yelling match between my 8 year old, and my "adopted" daughter, that although I am learning to deal with the arguing, others in my household are not doing so well. They are missing out on the peaceful place I have found and although I would love to keep it for myself, I need to at least teach them how to find their own. Because if I don't, they will slowly begin to eat away at my happy place, so I have decided that I should lead by example and voice how and what I am doing, and why. Hopefully, it helps, but I know it will not be an overnight process.

Nicholas is, if I am being totally honest with myself, is my greatest failure. Now, before you get all upset, let me elaborate on that statement. He is not the failure per say, because he didn't do anything wrong, he is my failure because I, as his mother, failed him. His behavior has become the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room, that no one wants to discuss or possibly even knows how to discuss. He is like a sleeping volcano, you never know when or what will trigger and explosion, but when it happens, no one is safe, not even me or his dad. His anger is only made worse because that boy is so stubborn and pig headed, that it's to the point, I tell people when they ask me how many kids I have, "I have six, but if I had had my sixth one first, he would be an only child. That child is definitely the cure for baby fever!" Because he has the big puppy dog eyes and I have given into him for so long, he knows no other way but to combat any type of change that causes him to feel unsafe, (when I say "unsafe", I mean "not getting his way").

I started my family young, at age 21 I had my first and at age 34 I had had my sixth, that doesn't seem like I made the spacing too close; two years between the first and second, then a five year gap, two years between the third and fourth, another five year gap and then two years between the fifth and sixth. They were like paternal twins almost, each would always have a playmate, at least that is how I explain it to myself as to why I did it that way, (as if I was planning it out oh so careful, HA). But by the time the sixth came around, I was wore out, my life was not easy and having a large family only made it harder, by this time all I really wanted was peace and quiet, so I did what I had to keep him happy just to keep some sort of semblance of peace. I was "stricter" with the first five then I was with Nicholas, he nine times out of ten would end up getting his way, just so I could have a moment of solace. Little did I know then that I was only cutting off my nose despite my face, I was creating the monster we now all have to live with. I have eight years of spoiling to "un-teach" him. So in that sense, he is my failure, I didn't teach him that patience is a virtue, that sometimes you don't always get what you want but that is okay. You don't always have to win or be right to be happy.

Now eight years later, I am paying for those mistakes and so is everyone else. The good thing is, being a psychology major, and going through counseling myself, I have the tools now to deal with him. The problem I am having is that I haven't taught my other children those skills or tools to deal with him as well. So, when conflict arises they have no idea how to do anything else but react with conflict. Karma has a way of paying you back in the most precise and excellent way. The one block I messed up on, is the one block that came back around to topple my house. And I bow down to the Lady Karma, she is by far a better teacher than I could ever hope to be.

So begins, the lessons. Lesson one- conflict takes two. "A person who goes into conflict has made a mistake. They have interpreted something in their external environment as being unsafe or potentially threatening. In this process, their fight or flight response is triggered. They feel the need to defend themselves against a perceived threat, whether it is there or not." Is how feeling unsafe was defined to me, and now that I look at it from that perspective, it makes so much sense. The other person then has two choices; put on the blinders and only hear and see that, "this person is telling me I am wrong", and react to the "threat", or in that millisecond that the brain takes to trigger your fight or flight response, step back and see that this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their misconception of the situation, or misunderstanding of something that might have been said. From there you need to become a detective, asking questions like, "what did you mean when you said _______", or "when you said _____ did you think ______"?  This will, hopefully, allow person A to disengage from their fight or flight mode and figure out the answers, thus eliminating conflict. Sometimes it won't be that easy and you will have to think of new ways of dealing with the situation, be it different questions or allowing for a cooling off period before attempting to be curious again. Just remember it is not you, this is about the other persons feeling of safety.

What could this possibly have to do with an eight year old, well, he argues when he feels taken advantage of, when he doesn't fully understand what is going on or when things are not going his way. All of these are triggers for the fight or flight response. Children do not have the capability to recognize misunderstandings as such, they just know that something isn't going the way they wanted, or the way it did before and they don't like it. So my job is to not only teach my family how to deal with conflict in more of a productive way and less of a reactionary way, but to also teach Nicholas that things happen that he isn't going to like, but screaming and getting so upset that he can't function calmly and throwing things, is not the solution.

It is going to be a long road I know, I have allowed him to become a pretty big mountain, but I have my spoon and I know that eventually, I will reach the other side and hopefully, everyone will be alive and with me on the other side as well.

Yoga Saved Their Lives

Yes, I meant to type "their", because although I do it more for me and my body, surprisingly it has had an astounding effect on my patience, which in turn saves my children's lives, EVERYDAY!

I wake every morning, sit on the side of my bed dangling my feet letting the doggies give me morning kisses and tell me they love me, while I give myself an spiritual pep-talk. "I will be a loving a kind person today, for I am a loving and kind soul. I will be patient with my children, for I am a loving and patient mother. I will be devoted and helpful to my husband, for I am am devoted and loving wife. I will be a listener, an adviser and a teacher, for I am a loving and patient person. But most of all I will be honest and true to myself, I will admit and accept my vulnerabilities and allow myself to be the most genuine me I can be, because I am an awesome person." Then I stand up, make my bed (it is good to be neat.), take the dogs out and do my morning salutations to the sun (yoga), come in grab my coffee, feed the dogs and come back to the office turn on Pandora to the Celtic or Relaxation station and catch up on email, facebook, pintrest and blog if I feel it.

Which today I do, don't you feel lucky?

Then I am ready to handle pretty much anything that might be thrown at me today. Then I hear it, the air grows still as I listen...

The clomp, clomp, clomping of noisy feet down the hallway, is it happy clomping or heavy "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, everybody better watch out" clomping? Thankfully, I'm not worried anymore, because I started from a peaceful place. I know that I can remain peaceful and calm with them, thankfully. Now it is getting to where the deeper I go into that peaceful place, the longer I can remain peaceful and calm. I am almost able to make it a full day, but it wasn't always like that.

I love my chitlins to the moon and back a few million times over, but there have been times that I have wanted to return to them to what ever realm of argumentative annoyance they came from. You know, what's funny, when they were born I don't remember the nurse handing them to me, laughing hysterically as she skipped out of the room singing, "No backsies!" over her shoulder, but now, that they are older and I am no longer under power of their cuteness spell, I am pretty sure that she did, indeed, do that."I will find you, someday, you evil woman!"

They could cause even the sweetest little kindergarten teacher, you know the one that is just so sweet all the kids love her, she has the pristine dress, perfect hair, kind caring eyes, soft voice, never yells is always encouraging the children, but she is so sweet she makes your teeth hurt, but you love her anyway. I think these children, if all in the same classroom could make even her question her choice of professions.

You have the image in your head? Pretty isn't she? I feel I start off that way every morning, and then the arguing starts. Someone says or does something and someone else tries to correct or redirect. Then the other one, not wanting to admit the possibly of being in the wrong maybe even just a little, spits back and so it goes. Normally, it happens between the older teens who are "trying to help mom out" and the younger ones who have absolutely no problem informing them, "you ain't my momma." And it just escalates from there.
They just don't stop. I don't know where they get it from, although I have a feeling their dad isn't as innocent in all his as he professes he is. He just giggles, "that one's yours." To which I snarl and hiss, "you can't prove anything! It was all that nurses fault, she brought us the wrong one. She had to have, this is not normal! Is it?" as we cower behind our bedroom door, hoping they can't smell our fear.

All the while I felt myself turning into, well although the hair color is pretty and the complexion almost like porcelain, I just didn't like who I was becoming. Always yelling, feeling my blood pressure rise, feeling like I didn't have control of my own household, my own children. I was bigger and older then they were, why was this happening? Why couldn't I be the parent and remain calm and not be dragged down to their level? I needed to figure this out, because I was starting to seriously question my abilities as a parent. Was I going to be able to get them through their childhood whole and unscathed? Or was I was going to wind up screwing them up?  Or worse, needing a bigger back yard for all the bodies?

That went on for quite awhile, until I found yoga last year at college, let me tell you it was amazing, I fell in love, I wished it was more than just twice a week, I needed it craved it, dreamed about it. *ahem* Oh well, needless to say, I  recommend yoga to anyone and everyone, finding balance in your body as well as learning to let all the stresses and anxieties out while breathing the calm and peacefulness in, is nothing short of a miracle. Anyone can do yoga; old, young, over weight, great weight, extremely limber, or movement challenged. Yoga isn't about pushing yourself through the pain to reach that next level, it is about accepting your limits and working with them to slowly and gently find the balance to overcome them, be it physical or mental. Gentleness and balance is always the way, and it has allowed me to become more like this; calm, still, allowing the water to rush around me, yet remaining in that calm, still place so that I might teach instead of react.

Now their arguing, I am able to handle better, I don't immediately want to wring someone's neck. When Nicholas, who I really teach yoga to, gets to a point that he cannot be stopped/reasoned with or controlled, I tell everyone to back off and send him  to his room and after I am able to leave him there calmly, I go and I sit and I become quiet, then I go to try to help him see where he went crossed the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It is amazing how that little thing, 50 minutes a day and the 10 minute break has changed how I interact with them. I am making conscious choices of when and how I will react to their behaviors. It has changed me so much and saved their lives more than a few times over this summer alone. So although I know I cannot control their arguing, I can control how I will react to it, deal with it and hopefully teach them that there is a more productive way to coexist in this family of differences and house of many. I still have my moments, I still fall short of the goal of  complete calm sometimes, but luckily for them I am determined to lead by example. So I will not falter, I will not give up in my quest to have a happy and more peaceful home and existence. 

Now when the come to me in the mornings and question me as to what I am doing, when I am doing yoga or throughout the day when I am just sitting quietly, I simple reply, I am saving your life. :)

Getting To This Place

I mentioned before that there are changes happening here, I should probably elaborate on just how those changes came about.

For the past, oh I don't know, 3 years I have been falling asleep at the drop of a hat. Dozing off behind the wheel, at my desk, in class, while watching TV and falling asleep within 10 minutes of riding in a vehicle or of laying down in bed. I thought when I woke up 6-8 hours later, I was well rested. Well, about 9 months ago I went in for my physical; I found I had Hypertension, Hypoglycemia and High cholesterol, none of which surprised me; I was overweight by 100lbs, it ran in my family I would have to learn to eat better and move more. It wasn't until I was referred for a Sleep evaluation where the reality hit me. I was found to have severe sleep apnea, let's get the technical jargon out of the way first; "An apnea is a complete cessation of breathing for 10 seconds or longer. A hypopnea is a constricted breath (more than one-fourth, less than three-fourths) that lasts 10 seconds or longer. The index number is the number of apneas and hypopneas the sleeper experiences each hour. An AHI of 5 to15 is classified as mild obstructive sleep apnea; 15 to 30 is moderate OSA; 30 or more is severe OSA." Now here are my results; I had 438 episodes of impaired breathing. 241 were obstructive apneas and 192 were obstructive hypopneas So my AHI score is 79.8. Now I knew that I had "occasional", (once every so often often), incidences of not breathing because I have actually sat up in bed gasping for air, but when he told me that I "stopped breathing 438 times during my 7 hours of monitored sleep" I was, I don't know if horrified would be the right word, I was numb. For a few hours afterward, I just sort of sat, letting that sink in, I could have died any one of those 438 times ...how was I going get past this? This obviously happened for a reason, everything does, so what is the reason, what am I being taught? I decided that I needed to look at it this way, I did not die 438 times, obviously, there is more that I am supposed to do in this life. I am taking this as a gift being handed to me, and that  is the reason I started making changes. Not when I was told that if I didn't change my diet I would be at risk, especially with my family history, of heart disease, it was realizing that it was my silence, the simple mindless, normal everyday experience of sleep, that was going to cost me everything I had been blessed with in my life. There isn't a TV show that is going to swoop into my life and make everything all better. Jillian Michaels wasn't going to come to my house and yell at me until I dropped 100lbs, nor was the likelihood of Dr. Phil showing up on my door to fix my self esteem and relationship problems a remote possibility, but, I have watched and listened and read enough to know that "The only person who knows what is best for me is me. And the only person who can demand the best, stand up for myself, and expect nothing less than 100% of genuine me, was yep you guessed it, ME!

So I have been moving more, eating less, not necessarily changing my diet drastically which would probably yield better, faster results, but I do not have more than one helping and I try to eat more fruits and veggies and definitely stuff with less sodium and cholesterol. And thanks to my Cpap machine I do not fall asleep anywhere other than bed! I wake up feeling AMAZING. I never realized that before when I thought I felt great, that was not even close to great. I do yoga and my elliptical weekly. Yoga is regular, the elliptical not so much, it really hurts my knees but I am moving and that is the first step. I do not have any set goals, like I want to lose 50lbs by summers end or fit into a size 10 by Christmas. I just do what I do and what happens is what happens. I go back to the Dr next week, so we will see if she agrees with that approach or if I need actually set a goal. LOL But most importantly, even if she does say "you really need to do this", I am finally happy! Happy with the direction I am heading and the me I am becoming. The genuine, vulnerable, goofy, mathematically challenged, non consistent person I was born to be. I will find out who I am, and then let nothing or no one change that. I will love my family and friends who love me for all that I am despite all that I am not. But I think that most of all I will be thankful every day that I was given this beautiful life by living it the only way I know how to now ... Honestly, Faithfully, with Kindness and Perseverance, lots of Patience and Humor, but more than anything, Hope. Hope that the best is really "yet to come".

Who Says Change is Bad?

So I have been going through some changes as of late. No, not that change, but changes in how I see myself, feel about myself and how I choose to be. Let me just say it has been 34 years in the making, but I believe I am finally figuring it out.

I realize that I have been holding onto the hurt I suffered during and throughout my childhood, like a security blanket. The reason for this, I think, was I believed that, "If I always carried around the labels; abused, not good enough, unworthy, then no one would be disappointed I wasn't and I could use them as excuses for not being able to break free." Not only was that wrong, but it was enabling the suffering to continue for years, causing all sorts of problems in relationships and in my health, both mentally and physically. Funny thing was it was the quietest of issues that ended up saving my life, by causing me to take a deep, honest and non-judgmental look at myself. That was the hard part, looking back at my life and not being judgmental, simply allowing myself to see me as I really was/am, and then accepting that not as a flaw or fate, but simply as ... well ME, but also as something that could be changed.

Let me tell you, it is amazing! I feel so much "lighter", I guess would be the best word. I welcome the sunshine, I laugh out loud regardless whether anybody else is watching or even laughing themselves. I am accepting of me, myself and all my quirky, simple minded, goofiness. I am sad when and why I want to be sad, I am happy when and why I want to be happy, but most of all, I me at all times! My purpose is not to become this person who does everything right in a unrealistic strive for perfection, my purpose is to be this healthy person who makes mistakes, owns up to them, learns from them and moves on who is crazy and goofy and artistic and who, struggles in Math and History. Someone who can listen to what others are truly saying by the things they don't. Someone who knows that doing "right" isn't always the same as doing the right thing. Loves with all that she has and expects nothing in return.

The first step to this "enlightening" is that every morning when I wake up I make a conscious decision of how I am going to feel, I don't let the weather, or lack of sleep detect how I will be emotionally. Just because it is raining, doesn't mean I have to be gloomy. Just because I didn't go to bed early enough to give myself adequate sleep, doesn't mean I have to be short with people who didn't make those choices for me. The more I started consciously doing that, the easier I was finding myself able to breath. I don't let others opinions define me anymore, because they are others opinions for a reason. They interpret things from their perspective and their perspective is defined by their feelings, their beliefs, their life experiences, which is not the same as mine, so how can I genuinely expect them to feel the exact same as I do, or vice versa? If I am unsure of what they are feeling, I am not afraid to ask questions, "What they mean when they say XYZ" and "Why do you say XYZ?" and it helps, not only me to understand, but sometimes helps them understand what they are saying may or may not be what they are actually meaning. It has been, and still is, an ongoing process, sometimes I fall short, sometimes emotions get the better of me, but at least now I have the skill set to actually differentiate between what I am feeling and what someone else is feeling for they are totally different.

I am an original, I am unique, I am becoming the genuine me I was meant to be. But most of all, I am loving who I am becoming!