My 8 year old son has a temper, a quick temper, an unpredictable temper! It is hard to know what will set him off, but once he is upset, he is past the point of bringing himself back to reason and calm and I am lost as to how to help him deal with the anger he is feeling. I am left feeling exposed and vulnerable, because I do not know how to help my son.
I know he must be scared too, to be so young and have such a temper is probably a very frightening thing. So you would think, a calm, loving person just to sit beside you, not say anything, not try to make it better, just accepts you're angry and allows you to feel it would be somewhat of a good thing. Actually, that just upsets him more screams "GET OUT!" or just screams while rolling around on the floor flailing about.
I try to give warnings, "Nicholas it sounds like you are getting upset, I think it is time to take a break."
Result - FIT
I try to have him sit in time out,"Nicholas that is unacceptable behavior, now you must sit down until you can calm down and apologize."
Result- SCREAMING NO! ARGUING "What did I do?" "I'm only 8!"
I try reasoning (HA), "Nicholas, I know this is hard and can be frustrating, but anger is not the answer. Screaming, pulling your hair, throwing things, hitting/kicking your brother/sister, is not okay responses."
Result - SCREAMING & ARGUING "It isn't fair."
I have tried removing him (picking him up and carrying him to his room) from the situation, he fights me there as well, grabbing for walls, stiffening his legs and arms, basically turning into a log. I then end up spending a half hour just trying to keep him in his room or time out. I just expected one of these techniques to to show me sign of improvement. Maybe a month isn't long enough to see a change. Even though that month I am doing it probably on average about 8 - 12 times a week. I thought they were, when he gets mad now he stomps off to his room, slams the door and does whatever for about 5-10 minutes, then comes out. He is calm and he apologizes without being prompted. My husband says that isn't enough, he needs to be learning to stop the fit before he even starts i,t because he doesn't feel that Nicholas is really learning anything, except "If I go to my room and then I apologize all will be okay". I thought it was a start, now I am not so sure.
Then I thought "remove the things that I know have a tendency to anger him". Yah, sounds good right? Well that would be almost everything in the house; video games, board games, books, school, homework, chores, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, green beans, corn, etc.
There is no reason to the madness that is my son. I am trying to remain patient, loving, calm, and understanding. So that he can feel safe and like he is not alone in his feelings. But I also have to teach 6 siblings how to deal with him, while dealing with him. I am exhausted! They have to know that when it starts, there is no stopping it, there is no reasoning with him, no distraction, no explanation, no threat of punishment nor consequence that will penetrate the boys thinking; he is in the tunnel too far. Sometimes I feel they trigger him because they know his fit will far out weigh anything that they did, so maybe they push him. I just don't know, all I do know is I cannot battle him while I have to battle them as well. I refuse to do it!
I feel, helpless, clueless and worst of all I don't like him very much. I don't like how he can turn a family board game into an uncomfortable spectacle. I don't like how I feel myself lose control of my patience and thought process. I don't know how to talk to he will listen, I try to do the active listening and he just persists to continue with his fit, so I feel I am left with no choice but to put him in his room, so we both can calm down to discuss it later.
I am tired and feeling quite helpless at the moment. I am hoping sleep will bring me peace and new sense of purpose and direction in the morning.
There has to be a way... maybe a bigger spoon?
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