Holy Crap on a Cracker! What a Day!

I touched on my "almost" obsession with family in my last post and I think with the help of Brene Brown and other authors, I am starting to figure out why I am in so homesick. Connection, that feeling of belonging you can only get and feel when you are face to face with someone. When you know, that you are safe to be who you are and how you are at that moment. That you will be listened to without judgement or having someone play the role or fixer, blamer or one-upper. They will just sit with you in that dark place and just be. No shame, no guilt, just acceptance and love. I don't have anything like that down here. I mean I know I can call them, talk to them on Facebook, but that just isn't the same. Our brains are hard wired for the feeling of connection, when that very simple need is met, we can grow and learn more. We feel fulfilled and are able to enjoy life more and not "sweat the little things" as much, because we aren't searching for that "safe place" that connection.

I thought that pretty cool... and it was like a light went on in my head. "This is why I wanna go home! I have no connections here". Well I have my husband and children, but I am also learning that our connections are faulty and in some desperate need of repair. Unfortunately, while those repairs are being made, I will be lacking on the connection front, but that is okay because now that I know what all that was about, I know how to fix it. Phone calls and letters, although those aren't face to face and can't replace the simple unspoken words of a silent hug, they will have to do for now. So, yay me! Thanks Brene Brown.

I also learned that I am, (how do I say this correctly?), I am not a bad parent I just have bad parenting skills. I have been guilty of telling my children that what they are feeling, they don't really feel. When they come to me and say; "I'm hungry." My response is to tell them; "you can't be hungry, we just had dinner." Yah, I see you nodding your head, we all are guilty of that in some way shape or form. It's 54 degrees outside, the child wants to go out without their sweater, "Put your sweater on, you're cold." Child accidentally get hits with pillow you are tossing on the couch, they grab their face, "OW Mom you got my eye." "Oh stop it it doesn't hurt it was just a pillow."  Need I go on? Yah I didn't think so. What I am  teaching them is that they shouldn't trust their instincts, that they should look to me to tell them how they feel or should react. Yah, if you thought your kids didn't have half the brain God gave a gnat before, yah keep that crap up and they will be waiting for you to tell them when they need to use the restroom or get a drink. (If only I knew how true that statement would be).

I am also guilty of; not paying direct attention to them when they speak to me. "By not looking away from the television or the book or whatever I am doing, I am not listening wholeheartedly. It basically, devalues them and they start to think and believe that they are not important enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, entertaining enough for us to completely focus on them for even 30 seconds!" When I heard that, (it was an audio book), I had to pause it and I just starred at the screen for a few moments, as if trying to contact the author to clarify what I had just heard, but there was no one there, just the picture of the cover of the book. All the things they were talking about in the first 9 pages, were true of my family, of me! Holy Schznitts! 


I mean I had just done this before hearing that statement. Here's the scene: Nicholas came in to ask me for a snack. Now I was reading, but I had just looked at the clock and I realized it was snack time, so I basically knew someone was going to be in within the next 5 minutes, so I knew what was going to be asked before he even came in. Shoot, before he even got fully into the office and said "mom?", I had my answer already queued up, all I had to do was mindlessly hit play. I didn't even look up. I mean, I should get points for knowing my children, right? Why do I need to pay full attention to them if I know how they think? How is that going to be damaging?

If were "just a few times", probably not, but I started thinking about if there were other time and they flashed through my head like I was looking through those Fisher Price View -Master toy I had when I was a kid, and there were more than "just a few". I was heartbroken, because I realized if I had done this with my 8 year old, how many times have I done it through out my 23 years as a parent?

The other thing I learned and this is major, is I teach disrespect by allowing name calling in the house. Wha??  Yes, all those names I say in play; silly head, goofball,  weirdo, sometimes even idiot and retard, even though they are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. They should never be an okay thing to do. James and I shouldn't call each other names, we shouldn't call the kids names and we definitely shouldn't all them to call each other names. When we make that okay in the house because we are "playing" or "fooling around", they then think it's okay and they take it out of the house where others may not take it as "playful terms of endearment, and that is where our little "displays of affection" turns into meanness and even bullying. "Wha?! Shut the front door!"  I mean, I can even remember the excuse being made of "If I didn't like you I wouldn't pick on you", being thrown around when someone said they didn't like it when they were called names. What the hell! Things are becoming so clear to me now. Never thought about that did ya? Or maybe you did and I am a little dense or looking for someone to stand with me in this bright spotlight of "improper parenting".
The good thing about this is that I now realize it, and if I realize it I can acknowledge it as wrong and I can begin to make changes.

I am not the perfect parent- well I was before I had kids. Before they came along I know how it was going to be; it would be just like on The Cosby Show. I would parent with love and fairness and they would come to me with problems, admit their mistakes and learn from them and it definitely wouldn't hurt if they grew up to become successful Dr.s and lawyers and teachers. sigh 

Well reality has just set in; and this is not scripted! I am a good parent, my kids are good kids, but we can all be better. Especially now that I am learning and accepting that I don't know everything and more importantly, I probably won't know everything. I don't think anyone can ever know everything, because the rule books change all the time. I need to keep learning every day, through being/allowing myself to be seen vulnerable by making mistakes and admitting that they are indeed mistakes, to make myself look better to everyone else.