Getting To This Place

I mentioned before that there are changes happening here, I should probably elaborate on just how those changes came about.

For the past, oh I don't know, 3 years I have been falling asleep at the drop of a hat. Dozing off behind the wheel, at my desk, in class, while watching TV and falling asleep within 10 minutes of riding in a vehicle or of laying down in bed. I thought when I woke up 6-8 hours later, I was well rested. Well, about 9 months ago I went in for my physical; I found I had Hypertension, Hypoglycemia and High cholesterol, none of which surprised me; I was overweight by 100lbs, it ran in my family I would have to learn to eat better and move more. It wasn't until I was referred for a Sleep evaluation where the reality hit me. I was found to have severe sleep apnea, let's get the technical jargon out of the way first; "An apnea is a complete cessation of breathing for 10 seconds or longer. A hypopnea is a constricted breath (more than one-fourth, less than three-fourths) that lasts 10 seconds or longer. The index number is the number of apneas and hypopneas the sleeper experiences each hour. An AHI of 5 to15 is classified as mild obstructive sleep apnea; 15 to 30 is moderate OSA; 30 or more is severe OSA." Now here are my results; I had 438 episodes of impaired breathing. 241 were obstructive apneas and 192 were obstructive hypopneas So my AHI score is 79.8. Now I knew that I had "occasional", (once every so often often), incidences of not breathing because I have actually sat up in bed gasping for air, but when he told me that I "stopped breathing 438 times during my 7 hours of monitored sleep" I was, I don't know if horrified would be the right word, I was numb. For a few hours afterward, I just sort of sat, letting that sink in, I could have died any one of those 438 times ...how was I going get past this? This obviously happened for a reason, everything does, so what is the reason, what am I being taught? I decided that I needed to look at it this way, I did not die 438 times, obviously, there is more that I am supposed to do in this life. I am taking this as a gift being handed to me, and that  is the reason I started making changes. Not when I was told that if I didn't change my diet I would be at risk, especially with my family history, of heart disease, it was realizing that it was my silence, the simple mindless, normal everyday experience of sleep, that was going to cost me everything I had been blessed with in my life. There isn't a TV show that is going to swoop into my life and make everything all better. Jillian Michaels wasn't going to come to my house and yell at me until I dropped 100lbs, nor was the likelihood of Dr. Phil showing up on my door to fix my self esteem and relationship problems a remote possibility, but, I have watched and listened and read enough to know that "The only person who knows what is best for me is me. And the only person who can demand the best, stand up for myself, and expect nothing less than 100% of genuine me, was yep you guessed it, ME!

So I have been moving more, eating less, not necessarily changing my diet drastically which would probably yield better, faster results, but I do not have more than one helping and I try to eat more fruits and veggies and definitely stuff with less sodium and cholesterol. And thanks to my Cpap machine I do not fall asleep anywhere other than bed! I wake up feeling AMAZING. I never realized that before when I thought I felt great, that was not even close to great. I do yoga and my elliptical weekly. Yoga is regular, the elliptical not so much, it really hurts my knees but I am moving and that is the first step. I do not have any set goals, like I want to lose 50lbs by summers end or fit into a size 10 by Christmas. I just do what I do and what happens is what happens. I go back to the Dr next week, so we will see if she agrees with that approach or if I need actually set a goal. LOL But most importantly, even if she does say "you really need to do this", I am finally happy! Happy with the direction I am heading and the me I am becoming. The genuine, vulnerable, goofy, mathematically challenged, non consistent person I was born to be. I will find out who I am, and then let nothing or no one change that. I will love my family and friends who love me for all that I am despite all that I am not. But I think that most of all I will be thankful every day that I was given this beautiful life by living it the only way I know how to now ... Honestly, Faithfully, with Kindness and Perseverance, lots of Patience and Humor, but more than anything, Hope. Hope that the best is really "yet to come".