I realized last night after another yelling match between my 8 year old, and my "adopted" daughter, that although I am learning to deal with the arguing, others in my household are not doing so well. They are missing out on the peaceful place I have found and although I would love to keep it for myself, I need to at least teach them how to find their own. Because if I don't, they will slowly begin to eat away at my happy place, so I have decided that I should lead by example and voice how and what I am doing, and why. Hopefully, it helps, but I know it will not be an overnight process.
Nicholas is, if I am being totally honest with myself, is my greatest failure. Now, before you get all upset, let me elaborate on that statement. He is not the failure per say, because he didn't do anything wrong, he is my failure because I, as his mother, failed him. His behavior has become the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room, that no one wants to discuss or possibly even knows how to discuss. He is like a sleeping volcano, you never know when or what will trigger and explosion, but when it happens, no one is safe, not even me or his dad. His anger is only made worse because that boy is so stubborn and pig headed, that it's to the point, I tell people when they ask me how many kids I have, "I have six, but if I had had my sixth one first, he would be an only child. That child is definitely the cure for baby fever!" Because he has the big puppy dog eyes and I have given into him for so long, he knows no other way but to combat any type of change that causes him to feel unsafe, (when I say "unsafe", I mean "not getting his way").
I started my family young, at age 21 I had my first and at age 34 I had had my sixth, that doesn't seem like I made the spacing too close; two years between the first and second, then a five year gap, two years between the third and fourth, another five year gap and then two years between the fifth and sixth. They were like paternal twins almost, each would always have a playmate, at least that is how I explain it to myself as to why I did it that way, (as if I was planning it out oh so careful, HA). But by the time the sixth came around, I was wore out, my life was not easy and having a large family only made it harder, by this time all I really wanted was peace and quiet, so I did what I had to keep him happy just to keep some sort of semblance of peace. I was "stricter" with the first five then I was with Nicholas, he nine times out of ten would end up getting his way, just so I could have a moment of solace. Little did I know then that I was only cutting off my nose despite my face, I was creating the monster we now all have to live with. I have eight years of spoiling to "un-teach" him. So in that sense, he is my failure, I didn't teach him that patience is a virtue, that sometimes you don't always get what you want but that is okay. You don't always have to win or be right to be happy.
Now eight years later, I am paying for those mistakes and so is everyone else. The good thing is, being a psychology major, and going through counseling myself, I have the tools now to deal with him. The problem I am having is that I haven't taught my other children those skills or tools to deal with him as well. So, when conflict arises they have no idea how to do anything else but react with conflict. Karma has a way of paying you back in the most precise and excellent way. The one block I messed up on, is the one block that came back around to topple my house. And I bow down to the Lady Karma, she is by far a better teacher than I could ever hope to be.
So begins, the lessons. Lesson one- conflict takes two. "A person who goes into conflict has made a mistake. They have interpreted
something in their external environment as being unsafe or potentially
threatening. In this process, their fight or flight response is triggered. They
feel the need to defend themselves against a perceived threat, whether it is
there or not." Is how feeling unsafe was defined to me, and now that I look at it from that perspective, it makes so much sense. The other person then has two choices; put on the blinders and only hear and see that, "this person is telling me I am wrong", and react to the "threat", or in that millisecond that the brain takes to trigger your fight or flight response, step back and see that this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their misconception of the situation, or misunderstanding of something that might have been said. From there you need to become a detective, asking questions like, "what did you mean when you said _______", or "when you said _____ did you think ______"? This will, hopefully, allow person A to disengage from their fight or flight mode and figure out the answers, thus eliminating conflict. Sometimes it won't be that easy and you will have to think of new ways of dealing with the situation, be it different questions or allowing for a cooling off period before attempting to be curious again. Just remember it is not you, this is about the other persons feeling of safety.
What could this possibly have to do with an eight year old, well, he argues when he feels taken advantage of, when he doesn't fully understand what is going on or when things are not going his way. All of these are triggers for the fight or flight response. Children do not have the capability to recognize misunderstandings as such, they just know that something isn't going the way they wanted, or the way it did before and they don't like it. So my job is to not only teach my family how to deal with conflict in more of a productive way and less of a reactionary way, but to also teach Nicholas that things happen that he isn't going to like, but screaming and getting so upset that he can't function calmly and throwing things, is not the solution.
It is going to be a long road I know, I have allowed him to become a pretty big mountain, but I have my spoon and I know that eventually, I will reach the other side and hopefully, everyone will be alive and with me on the other side as well.
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