Who Says Change is Bad?

So I have been going through some changes as of late. No, not that change, but changes in how I see myself, feel about myself and how I choose to be. Let me just say it has been 34 years in the making, but I believe I am finally figuring it out.

I realize that I have been holding onto the hurt I suffered during and throughout my childhood, like a security blanket. The reason for this, I think, was I believed that, "If I always carried around the labels; abused, not good enough, unworthy, then no one would be disappointed I wasn't and I could use them as excuses for not being able to break free." Not only was that wrong, but it was enabling the suffering to continue for years, causing all sorts of problems in relationships and in my health, both mentally and physically. Funny thing was it was the quietest of issues that ended up saving my life, by causing me to take a deep, honest and non-judgmental look at myself. That was the hard part, looking back at my life and not being judgmental, simply allowing myself to see me as I really was/am, and then accepting that not as a flaw or fate, but simply as ... well ME, but also as something that could be changed.

Let me tell you, it is amazing! I feel so much "lighter", I guess would be the best word. I welcome the sunshine, I laugh out loud regardless whether anybody else is watching or even laughing themselves. I am accepting of me, myself and all my quirky, simple minded, goofiness. I am sad when and why I want to be sad, I am happy when and why I want to be happy, but most of all, I me at all times! My purpose is not to become this person who does everything right in a unrealistic strive for perfection, my purpose is to be this healthy person who makes mistakes, owns up to them, learns from them and moves on who is crazy and goofy and artistic and who, struggles in Math and History. Someone who can listen to what others are truly saying by the things they don't. Someone who knows that doing "right" isn't always the same as doing the right thing. Loves with all that she has and expects nothing in return.

The first step to this "enlightening" is that every morning when I wake up I make a conscious decision of how I am going to feel, I don't let the weather, or lack of sleep detect how I will be emotionally. Just because it is raining, doesn't mean I have to be gloomy. Just because I didn't go to bed early enough to give myself adequate sleep, doesn't mean I have to be short with people who didn't make those choices for me. The more I started consciously doing that, the easier I was finding myself able to breath. I don't let others opinions define me anymore, because they are others opinions for a reason. They interpret things from their perspective and their perspective is defined by their feelings, their beliefs, their life experiences, which is not the same as mine, so how can I genuinely expect them to feel the exact same as I do, or vice versa? If I am unsure of what they are feeling, I am not afraid to ask questions, "What they mean when they say XYZ" and "Why do you say XYZ?" and it helps, not only me to understand, but sometimes helps them understand what they are saying may or may not be what they are actually meaning. It has been, and still is, an ongoing process, sometimes I fall short, sometimes emotions get the better of me, but at least now I have the skill set to actually differentiate between what I am feeling and what someone else is feeling for they are totally different.

I am an original, I am unique, I am becoming the genuine me I was meant to be. But most of all, I am loving who I am becoming!