My 8 year old son has a temper, a quick temper, an unpredictable temper! It is hard to know what will set him off, but once he is upset, he is past the point of bringing himself back to reason and calm and I am lost as to how to help him deal with the anger he is feeling. I am left feeling exposed and vulnerable, because I do not know how to help my son.
I know he must be scared too, to be so young and have such a temper is probably a very frightening thing. So you would think, a calm, loving person just to sit beside you, not say anything, not try to make it better, just accepts you're angry and allows you to feel it would be somewhat of a good thing. Actually, that just upsets him more screams "GET OUT!" or just screams while rolling around on the floor flailing about.
I try to give warnings, "Nicholas it sounds like you are getting upset, I think it is time to take a break."
Result - FIT
I try to have him sit in time out,"Nicholas that is unacceptable behavior, now you must sit down until you can calm down and apologize."
Result- SCREAMING NO! ARGUING "What did I do?" "I'm only 8!"
I try reasoning (HA), "Nicholas, I know this is hard and can be frustrating, but anger is not the answer. Screaming, pulling your hair, throwing things, hitting/kicking your brother/sister, is not okay responses."
Result - SCREAMING & ARGUING "It isn't fair."
I have tried removing him (picking him up and carrying him to his room) from the situation, he fights me there as well, grabbing for walls, stiffening his legs and arms, basically turning into a log. I then end up spending a half hour just trying to keep him in his room or time out. I just expected one of these techniques to to show me sign of improvement. Maybe a month isn't long enough to see a change. Even though that month I am doing it probably on average about 8 - 12 times a week. I thought they were, when he gets mad now he stomps off to his room, slams the door and does whatever for about 5-10 minutes, then comes out. He is calm and he apologizes without being prompted. My husband says that isn't enough, he needs to be learning to stop the fit before he even starts i,t because he doesn't feel that Nicholas is really learning anything, except "If I go to my room and then I apologize all will be okay". I thought it was a start, now I am not so sure.
Then I thought "remove the things that I know have a tendency to anger him". Yah, sounds good right? Well that would be almost everything in the house; video games, board games, books, school, homework, chores, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, green beans, corn, etc.
There is no reason to the madness that is my son. I am trying to remain patient, loving, calm, and understanding. So that he can feel safe and like he is not alone in his feelings. But I also have to teach 6 siblings how to deal with him, while dealing with him. I am exhausted! They have to know that when it starts, there is no stopping it, there is no reasoning with him, no distraction, no explanation, no threat of punishment nor consequence that will penetrate the boys thinking; he is in the tunnel too far. Sometimes I feel they trigger him because they know his fit will far out weigh anything that they did, so maybe they push him. I just don't know, all I do know is I cannot battle him while I have to battle them as well. I refuse to do it!
I feel, helpless, clueless and worst of all I don't like him very much. I don't like how he can turn a family board game into an uncomfortable spectacle. I don't like how I feel myself lose control of my patience and thought process. I don't know how to talk to he will listen, I try to do the active listening and he just persists to continue with his fit, so I feel I am left with no choice but to put him in his room, so we both can calm down to discuss it later.
I am tired and feeling quite helpless at the moment. I am hoping sleep will bring me peace and new sense of purpose and direction in the morning.
There has to be a way... maybe a bigger spoon?
Monday, August 12, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Holy Crap on a Cracker! What a Day!
I touched on my "almost" obsession with family in my last post and I think with the help of Brene Brown and other authors, I am starting to figure out why I am in so homesick. Connection, that feeling of belonging you can only get and feel when you are face to face with someone. When you know, that you are safe to be who you are and how you are at that moment. That you will be listened to without judgement or having someone play the role or fixer, blamer or one-upper. They will just sit with you in that dark place and just be. No shame, no guilt, just acceptance and love. I don't have anything like that down here. I mean I know I can call them, talk to them on Facebook, but that just isn't the same. Our brains are hard wired for the feeling of connection, when that very simple need is met, we can grow and learn more. We feel fulfilled and are able to enjoy life more and not "sweat the little things" as much, because we aren't searching for that "safe place" that connection.
I thought that pretty cool... and it was like a light went on in my head. "This is why I wanna go home! I have no connections here". Well I have my husband and children, but I am also learning that our connections are faulty and in some desperate need of repair. Unfortunately, while those repairs are being made, I will be lacking on the connection front, but that is okay because now that I know what all that was about, I know how to fix it. Phone calls and letters, although those aren't face to face and can't replace the simple unspoken words of a silent hug, they will have to do for now. So, yay me! Thanks Brene Brown.
I also learned that I am, (how do I say this correctly?), I am not a bad parent I just have bad parenting skills. I have been guilty of telling my children that what they are feeling, they don't really feel. When they come to me and say; "I'm hungry." My response is to tell them; "you can't be hungry, we just had dinner." Yah, I see you nodding your head, we all are guilty of that in some way shape or form. It's 54 degrees outside, the child wants to go out without their sweater, "Put your sweater on, you're cold." Child accidentally get hits with pillow you are tossing on the couch, they grab their face, "OW Mom you got my eye." "Oh stop it it doesn't hurt it was just a pillow." Need I go on? Yah I didn't think so. What I am teaching them is that they shouldn't trust their instincts, that they should look to me to tell them how they feel or should react. Yah, if you thought your kids didn't have half the brain God gave a gnat before, yah keep that crap up and they will be waiting for you to tell them when they need to use the restroom or get a drink. (If only I knew how true that statement would be).
I am also guilty of; not paying direct attention to them when they speak to me. "By not looking away from the television or the book or whatever I am doing, I am not listening wholeheartedly. It basically, devalues them and they start to think and believe that they are not important enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, entertaining enough for us to completely focus on them for even 30 seconds!" When I heard that, (it was an audio book), I had to pause it and I just starred at the screen for a few moments, as if trying to contact the author to clarify what I had just heard, but there was no one there, just the picture of the cover of the book. All the things they were talking about in the first 9 pages, were true of my family, of me! Holy Schznitts!
I mean I had just done this before hearing that
statement. Here's the scene: Nicholas came in to ask me for a snack. Now I was reading, but I had just looked at the clock and I realized it was snack time, so I basically knew someone was
going to be in within the next 5 minutes, so I knew what was going to be asked before he even came in. Shoot, before he even got fully into
the office and said "mom?", I had my answer already queued up, all I had
to do was mindlessly hit play. I didn't even look up. I mean, I should get points for knowing my children, right?
Why do I need to pay full attention to them if I know how they think? How is that going to be damaging?
If were "just a few times", probably not, but I started thinking about if there were other time and they flashed through my head like I was looking through those Fisher Price View -Master toy I had when I was a kid, and there were more than "just a few". I was heartbroken, because I realized if I had done this with my 8 year old, how many times have I done it through out my 23 years as a parent?
The other thing I learned and this is major, is I teach disrespect by allowing name calling in the house. Wha?? Yes, all those names I say in play; silly head, goofball, weirdo, sometimes even idiot and retard, even though they are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. They should never be an okay thing to do. James and I shouldn't call each other names, we shouldn't call the kids names and we definitely shouldn't all them to call each other names. When we make that okay in the house because we are "playing" or "fooling around", they then think it's okay and they take it out of the house where others may not take it as "playful terms of endearment, and that is where our little "displays of affection" turns into meanness and even bullying. "Wha?! Shut the front door!" I mean, I can even remember the excuse being made of "If I didn't like you I wouldn't pick on you", being thrown around when someone said they didn't like it when they were called names. What the hell! Things are becoming so clear to me now. Never thought about that did ya? Or maybe you did and I am a little dense or looking for someone to stand with me in this bright spotlight of "improper parenting".
The good thing about this is that I now realize it, and if I realize it I can acknowledge it as wrong and I can begin to make changes.
I am not the perfect parent- well I was before I had kids. Before they came along I know how it was going to be; it would be just like on The Cosby Show. I would parent with love and fairness and they would come to me with problems, admit their mistakes and learn from them and it definitely wouldn't hurt if they grew up to become successful Dr.s and lawyers and teachers. sigh
Well reality has just set in; and this is not scripted! I am a good parent, my kids are good kids, but we can all be better. Especially now that I am learning and accepting that I don't know everything and more importantly, I probably won't know everything. I don't think anyone can ever know everything, because the rule books change all the time. I need to keep learning every day, through being/allowing myself to be seen vulnerable by making mistakes and admitting that they are indeed mistakes, to make myself look better to everyone else.
I thought that pretty cool... and it was like a light went on in my head. "This is why I wanna go home! I have no connections here". Well I have my husband and children, but I am also learning that our connections are faulty and in some desperate need of repair. Unfortunately, while those repairs are being made, I will be lacking on the connection front, but that is okay because now that I know what all that was about, I know how to fix it. Phone calls and letters, although those aren't face to face and can't replace the simple unspoken words of a silent hug, they will have to do for now. So, yay me! Thanks Brene Brown.
I also learned that I am, (how do I say this correctly?), I am not a bad parent I just have bad parenting skills. I have been guilty of telling my children that what they are feeling, they don't really feel. When they come to me and say; "I'm hungry." My response is to tell them; "you can't be hungry, we just had dinner." Yah, I see you nodding your head, we all are guilty of that in some way shape or form. It's 54 degrees outside, the child wants to go out without their sweater, "Put your sweater on, you're cold." Child accidentally get hits with pillow you are tossing on the couch, they grab their face, "OW Mom you got my eye." "Oh stop it it doesn't hurt it was just a pillow." Need I go on? Yah I didn't think so. What I am teaching them is that they shouldn't trust their instincts, that they should look to me to tell them how they feel or should react. Yah, if you thought your kids didn't have half the brain God gave a gnat before, yah keep that crap up and they will be waiting for you to tell them when they need to use the restroom or get a drink. (If only I knew how true that statement would be).
I am also guilty of; not paying direct attention to them when they speak to me. "By not looking away from the television or the book or whatever I am doing, I am not listening wholeheartedly. It basically, devalues them and they start to think and believe that they are not important enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, entertaining enough for us to completely focus on them for even 30 seconds!" When I heard that, (it was an audio book), I had to pause it and I just starred at the screen for a few moments, as if trying to contact the author to clarify what I had just heard, but there was no one there, just the picture of the cover of the book. All the things they were talking about in the first 9 pages, were true of my family, of me! Holy Schznitts!
I mean I had just done this before hearing that
statement. Here's the scene: Nicholas came in to ask me for a snack. Now I was reading, but I had just looked at the clock and I realized it was snack time, so I basically knew someone was
going to be in within the next 5 minutes, so I knew what was going to be asked before he even came in. Shoot, before he even got fully into
the office and said "mom?", I had my answer already queued up, all I had
to do was mindlessly hit play. I didn't even look up. I mean, I should get points for knowing my children, right?
Why do I need to pay full attention to them if I know how they think? How is that going to be damaging?If were "just a few times", probably not, but I started thinking about if there were other time and they flashed through my head like I was looking through those Fisher Price View -Master toy I had when I was a kid, and there were more than "just a few". I was heartbroken, because I realized if I had done this with my 8 year old, how many times have I done it through out my 23 years as a parent?
The other thing I learned and this is major, is I teach disrespect by allowing name calling in the house. Wha?? Yes, all those names I say in play; silly head, goofball, weirdo, sometimes even idiot and retard, even though they are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. They should never be an okay thing to do. James and I shouldn't call each other names, we shouldn't call the kids names and we definitely shouldn't all them to call each other names. When we make that okay in the house because we are "playing" or "fooling around", they then think it's okay and they take it out of the house where others may not take it as "playful terms of endearment, and that is where our little "displays of affection" turns into meanness and even bullying. "Wha?! Shut the front door!" I mean, I can even remember the excuse being made of "If I didn't like you I wouldn't pick on you", being thrown around when someone said they didn't like it when they were called names. What the hell! Things are becoming so clear to me now. Never thought about that did ya? Or maybe you did and I am a little dense or looking for someone to stand with me in this bright spotlight of "improper parenting".
The good thing about this is that I now realize it, and if I realize it I can acknowledge it as wrong and I can begin to make changes.
I am not the perfect parent- well I was before I had kids. Before they came along I know how it was going to be; it would be just like on The Cosby Show. I would parent with love and fairness and they would come to me with problems, admit their mistakes and learn from them and it definitely wouldn't hurt if they grew up to become successful Dr.s and lawyers and teachers. sigh
Well reality has just set in; and this is not scripted! I am a good parent, my kids are good kids, but we can all be better. Especially now that I am learning and accepting that I don't know everything and more importantly, I probably won't know everything. I don't think anyone can ever know everything, because the rule books change all the time. I need to keep learning every day, through being/allowing myself to be seen vulnerable by making mistakes and admitting that they are indeed mistakes, to make myself look better to everyone else.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Too Many Questions! Too Much Thinking!
I have been really home sick lately, like to the point of feeling like there is something missing from my life, that if "only I were home, I would be so much better, my kids would be so much better, life would be so much better". What is that about? Why do I feel that if I just move my family back home, (being Michigan), that everything will be better? I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out legitimate reasons for that way of thinking. Not that going home is a bad thing. I believe that having a larger family unit; Aunts, Uncles, Great Aunts, Great Uncles, Cousins, 2nd Cousins would be beneficial to my children, who really don't have friends or people to hang out with and visit on a regular basis.
Family has ALWAYS been a big deal for me. I have been struggling to find "my family" since well I guess my mom died, and even though I come from a large family, I was the baby so I wasn't really "close" to my brothers and sisters, well except for one; Steve and his wife Pat. They went above and beyond trying to make me feel loved and a "part" of something. Pat told me a little while ago, when I first openly admitted to my family about the abuse and the bad choices that I made, because of that abuse and the lack of anyone "helping" me. (Not that I blame them per say, the choices were my choices, but I couldn't help but feel if someone had reached out to me, I might have made better ones). Then I realized, someone did; Pat and I shut her out! My one saving moment and I turned away and lied to her, she of course could read me like a book, still can to this day, but didn't push, knew that I would come to her in time. Unfortunately, due to circumstances that took me further and further away in distance, it took me 20 years to go to her and my brother and confess my "sins". It was a healing moment for me, because here I was being extremely vulnerable to people whose opinions of me mattered so much. In the past all I felt was rejection or judgments, but from her and Steve I only felt love, unconditional love and acceptance.
I want my children to have that feeling too, that no matter what they do or do not do, whether they become successful or just live paycheck to paycheck there is unconditional love here. They will never be judged or made to feel not good enough, and yet I am struggling with whether or not that is really what I am putting out there to them. Are they really feeling that unconditional love and sense of belonging and pride that I felt when talking with and just being around my family? I hold so tightly to this family because I feel so far away and almost alienated from my family. So I am almost obsessively trying to fix my family. This one has to regardless whether we all fit or not. Am I trying to make a complete family; mother father and children, where there just can't be? Are we capable of being a cohesive harmonious family? Am I trying to make a mule into a show horse, is the county way of putting it I guess.
James and I are struggling, and I don't think either one of us really knows what fears are truly in the others heart. How much hurt or resentment is being harbored there, because of the actions or non-actions of the other. There is a wall and I am not sure how to get around or over it at this point in time. I actually feel that through my attempts to help him see clearer as to what is fear based, I am actually succeeding in doing the opposite and actually handing him more bricks to barricade himself behind. I know he has a strong fear of being rejected and a lot of past experiences have helped to cement that foundation, so a lot of his actions are, I feel, done to prove his point, that he is unworthy and unlovable. I know it isn't how he wants to live or love, but he doesn't know any other way and he isn't consciously making decisions, his fear is leading him. I love my husband, but I have to remember that loving someone means doing what is best for them and not what is best because you think it is. I also know that there are things about me that I am probably doing wrong as well that hurt or anger him. I try to "self medicate", meaning that because I have been in counseling, I am taking psychology I have been told by quite a few professionals as well as friends and family that I have a keen grasp of the human psyche, I cannot, more importantly should not been trying to counsel my husband or myself. Although, I can listen to him, I cannot steer him in any direction, because I am emotionally invested. I am not skilled enough to separate his needs from my own emotional gains. Meaning, I would have to ask to myself constantly, am I doing this because it would be what is best for him or best for me? I try to always think about what I want to say and how to say it so that I am heard in the way that I am meaning and not coming from a place of anger or resentment or superiority. That just seems to cause me to ask more questions and question my motives even more, almost to the point that I do nothing because I am so unsure of what it is I am really trying to do. Am I saying or doing XYZ because it is really what he needs to hear and see or is it so that I can be right and to the world that I can save him, I can make him better. Hey all you doubters out there, I told you a person could be saved and I saved him. I didn't think that is what I was doing? I thought I was doing it because I love this man, but if I wasn't why would that thought even pop into my head? It raises all sorts of questions and I start to color my thinking and question every thought that I have.
I want to go vacant for just a few hours; no thoughts, no questions, nothing but peaceful calm, because here there are too many questions and too much thinking....
Family has ALWAYS been a big deal for me. I have been struggling to find "my family" since well I guess my mom died, and even though I come from a large family, I was the baby so I wasn't really "close" to my brothers and sisters, well except for one; Steve and his wife Pat. They went above and beyond trying to make me feel loved and a "part" of something. Pat told me a little while ago, when I first openly admitted to my family about the abuse and the bad choices that I made, because of that abuse and the lack of anyone "helping" me. (Not that I blame them per say, the choices were my choices, but I couldn't help but feel if someone had reached out to me, I might have made better ones). Then I realized, someone did; Pat and I shut her out! My one saving moment and I turned away and lied to her, she of course could read me like a book, still can to this day, but didn't push, knew that I would come to her in time. Unfortunately, due to circumstances that took me further and further away in distance, it took me 20 years to go to her and my brother and confess my "sins". It was a healing moment for me, because here I was being extremely vulnerable to people whose opinions of me mattered so much. In the past all I felt was rejection or judgments, but from her and Steve I only felt love, unconditional love and acceptance.
I want my children to have that feeling too, that no matter what they do or do not do, whether they become successful or just live paycheck to paycheck there is unconditional love here. They will never be judged or made to feel not good enough, and yet I am struggling with whether or not that is really what I am putting out there to them. Are they really feeling that unconditional love and sense of belonging and pride that I felt when talking with and just being around my family? I hold so tightly to this family because I feel so far away and almost alienated from my family. So I am almost obsessively trying to fix my family. This one has to regardless whether we all fit or not. Am I trying to make a complete family; mother father and children, where there just can't be? Are we capable of being a cohesive harmonious family? Am I trying to make a mule into a show horse, is the county way of putting it I guess.
James and I are struggling, and I don't think either one of us really knows what fears are truly in the others heart. How much hurt or resentment is being harbored there, because of the actions or non-actions of the other. There is a wall and I am not sure how to get around or over it at this point in time. I actually feel that through my attempts to help him see clearer as to what is fear based, I am actually succeeding in doing the opposite and actually handing him more bricks to barricade himself behind. I know he has a strong fear of being rejected and a lot of past experiences have helped to cement that foundation, so a lot of his actions are, I feel, done to prove his point, that he is unworthy and unlovable. I know it isn't how he wants to live or love, but he doesn't know any other way and he isn't consciously making decisions, his fear is leading him. I love my husband, but I have to remember that loving someone means doing what is best for them and not what is best because you think it is. I also know that there are things about me that I am probably doing wrong as well that hurt or anger him. I try to "self medicate", meaning that because I have been in counseling, I am taking psychology I have been told by quite a few professionals as well as friends and family that I have a keen grasp of the human psyche, I cannot, more importantly should not been trying to counsel my husband or myself. Although, I can listen to him, I cannot steer him in any direction, because I am emotionally invested. I am not skilled enough to separate his needs from my own emotional gains. Meaning, I would have to ask to myself constantly, am I doing this because it would be what is best for him or best for me? I try to always think about what I want to say and how to say it so that I am heard in the way that I am meaning and not coming from a place of anger or resentment or superiority. That just seems to cause me to ask more questions and question my motives even more, almost to the point that I do nothing because I am so unsure of what it is I am really trying to do. Am I saying or doing XYZ because it is really what he needs to hear and see or is it so that I can be right and to the world that I can save him, I can make him better. Hey all you doubters out there, I told you a person could be saved and I saved him. I didn't think that is what I was doing? I thought I was doing it because I love this man, but if I wasn't why would that thought even pop into my head? It raises all sorts of questions and I start to color my thinking and question every thought that I have.
I want to go vacant for just a few hours; no thoughts, no questions, nothing but peaceful calm, because here there are too many questions and too much thinking....
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