My Life on Human Services

So this semester I am taking a few classes in the Human Services Department, which the professors of these classes warned us the first day of class; "that this class would bring havoc down on our family lives". It will help you realize the root of unwanted behavior, but it will also drive your family members crazy! I am so looking forward to this class, it'll be payback. Bwhahahaha!

But seriously, even though I have only had a total of 4 classes, I can see what I am learning about and it is completely awesome! I am also learning that some of the behaviors I do not like are happening because I am allowing them to happen. That negative behavior is re-enforced by our non-actions just as much as our re-actions.  And that most of the time, we aren't needed to "fix" things, but just to sit in the dark until they figure it out themselves.

But my favorite part is that I believe I have finally found what the destination of this educational journey is; to become a Counselor of some sort, maybe eventually having my own office, provided I live that long. I did start a bit later than most people do when they have a lofty goal, but I am just as determined to make my dreams come true as any 19 year old.

So we will take each class and each day as it comes, and I will do my best not to overwhelm my family with the new and exciting things I am learning. And I will keep you posted on how my life and the life of my family changes now that is it is on "Human Services". :)

I Am S-H-E-R-locked

My daughter and I have found a show to "bond" over! BBC's Sherlock! It is torturous though because there are only 3 episodes per season, each episode being 1 1/2 hours long. So they basically make a mini movie every 18 months, so it is understandable that there are only 3, yet still ... torturous.

I now know what my daughter is most passionate about, literature, CLASSIC literature! Sir Author Conon Doyle, she wants the hat, the coat, and all the books. So I will do my best to make that happen for her.

I think that my daughter sometimes feels like a Sherlock, being smarter than everyone else, knowing things, that "ordinary" sixteen year olds don't care to know, or simply ignore. "The other kids just fool around, so I am the only one that really  knows anything." "Ugh, teenagers are so ... immature" are sentences I hear from her on a daily basis. She is sensitive and easily irritated, she is talented, brilliant and prefers to be alone, or with family members, and will probably never move out. But that is okay with me, because if she did move out, then I would be over run by the testosterone levels in this house and would probably lose my mind. So I will have to keep that in mind when house shopping in Michigan, oh and a finished basement, some place to send the little heathens, err I mean boys when they get rowdy. I don't want to hear them stomping overhead or in a room next door, so put them down below. Where they can be boys and I don't have to worry about my drywall or breakables being breakabled.

Something else I noticed, is usually when people kiss, she goes.. "Eww relationships! Gross", yet when Sherlock kissed Molly, all she did was sigh... I think she likes Sherlock, and would probably need a man like that to keep up with her.

I love my daughter and I love being S-H-E-R-locked.

Another Year "More" & Maybe This Year... Wiser

Hello, it has been a while since my last posting. I have been swamped with school and family "stuff" so any writing I have been able to do has been for classes and any free time has been spent with my family. Surprisingly, I passed all my classes and everyone is still alive, so I would have to say it was a pretty good semester and a great way to wrap up 2013.

This year has been a hell of year for me, to say the least, a lot of changes and a lot of losses, but there were also a lot of Blessings I either rediscovered or that just happened to appear in my life when I needed them the most.

 I think that is the most important thing I take away from this year, to hold onto to the Blessings because things could be worse. But isn't that the old saying our parents, Grandparents even Great Grandparents used to say all the time? "Yes, things are bad, but they could be worse", and they were/are right, it can always get worse. So I am going to focus on the positives that are happening in my life and the negatives will just fall to the wayside.

Let's see, I found out my family is really an awesome family! If I had to admit a regret it would be that I didn't allow them to show me sooner. That I shut down and shut everyone who could/did love me out, because I felt unworthy or that there was something wrong with me. Turns out it wasn't me at all, I am an amazing person, I mean WOW you would be so lucky to be half of me. (Ewww, ego does not suit me, it turns my tummy), but anyway, I am the best and the worst of my parents, but what I choose to display, is the best!

Thanks to my Aunt Sadie and Cousin/Sister Dawn, I have been reminded of the good that runs in my family. For awhile I have to admit, I focused on the bad, the things that were wrong. I held onto it like a security blanket, because as long as I did I didn't have to allow myself to be vulnerable or "touchable" because there was this vale of "unworthiness" and as long as I had that, that could be my excuse for not trying, not reaching, not receiving.

 I haven't put that security blanket in the trash yet, but it is a least tucked into a trunk. I still pull it out once in awhile when I am feeling down and sorry for myself, but I always manage to put it back. We all have those times, when we just want to stop being "everything" for everyone else and just "not be" anything for a little while. At those times I take it out and curl up with it on my bed and I think, "Is this how I wanna live the rest of my life? Curling up in my bed in the dark feeling unloved and unwanted unless I can do for other? Then I tell myself that I am done feeling sorry for myself and I put it away and move on.

Hopefully one day soon, I will be able to burn it along with all the other negative feelings I have been holding onto, because those are the things that keep me from being the real me.

My husband, my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! We are going through a rough patch, well have been going to through a rough patch, but we are working together to make things right again. I see him trying with the kids and the kids responding to that. I mean, once I get over the whole guilt for not being able to give them more and I realize that I am there parent, my job is not to make them happy 24/7/365, it is to teach them how make morally and ethically sound decisions in their lives. To be able to realize you don't have to have everything your way in order to be happy. Once I accept that as my philosophy and moral compass, things have gotten a whole lot better. My husband gets aggravated, but he is finding patience and that is the greatest gift I could ever hope to give him.

Well that and a boat load of kids and me! .oO(but that might be considered re-gifting LOL ) Either way, we may have our hills and valleys, sometimes even mountains and gorges, but we will climb or fall together and that is the best part, knowing that his hand is never too far away.

I have conquered another semester of college! Keeping my 3.0 GPA (granted it's .20 points lower than last semester, but Math and I, well we have just accepted that will we have to agree to disagree. So by the Spring of 2015, I should be graduating with my AAS in Social Work, then move onto to receive my Bachelors in Psychology, and somewhere in there we will move home, to Michigan! Home.... with my family and my other family! My two families becoming one big happy family! My greatest wish and most urgent dream, because time is not slowing down and I fear losing most of them before my kids get to meet them. To help them find their sense of family and heritage, but even more, the stories! Stories that even I don't know, those things you just can't learn from Ancestory.com.

I look back on 2013 with appreciation and some sorrow. I look to 2014 with promise, hope and nothing but love.

Merry Christmas to All May your Blessings be many and bright! And may your stockings and heart runneth over with love!

Sometimes I Feel as Lost as He Feels Angry

My 8 year old son has a temper, a quick temper, an unpredictable temper! It is hard to know what will set him off, but once he is upset, he is past the point of bringing himself back to reason and calm and I am lost as to how to help him deal with the anger he is feeling. I am left feeling exposed and vulnerable, because I do not know how to help my son.

I know he must be scared too, to be so young and have such a temper is probably a very frightening thing. So you would think, a calm, loving person just to sit beside you, not say anything, not try to make it better, just accepts you're angry and allows you to feel it would be somewhat of a good thing. Actually, that just upsets him more screams "GET OUT!" or just screams while rolling around on the floor flailing about.

I try to give warnings, "Nicholas it sounds like you are getting upset, I think it is time to take a break."
Result - FIT
I try to have him sit in time out,"Nicholas that is unacceptable behavior, now you must sit down until you can calm down and apologize."
Result- SCREAMING NO! ARGUING "What did I do?" "I'm only 8!"
I try reasoning (HA), "Nicholas, I know this is hard and can be frustrating, but anger is not the answer. Screaming, pulling your hair, throwing things, hitting/kicking your brother/sister, is not okay responses."
Result - SCREAMING & ARGUING "It isn't fair."
I have tried removing him (picking him up and carrying him to his room) from the situation, he fights me there as well, grabbing for walls, stiffening his legs and arms, basically turning into a log. I then end up spending a half hour just trying to keep him in his room or time out. I just expected one of these techniques to to show me sign of improvement. Maybe a month isn't long enough to see a change. Even though that month I am doing it probably on average about 8 - 12 times a week. I thought they were, when he gets mad now he stomps off to his room, slams the door and does whatever for about 5-10 minutes, then comes out. He is calm and he apologizes without being prompted. My husband says that isn't enough, he needs to be learning to stop the fit before he even starts i,t because he doesn't feel that Nicholas is really learning anything, except "If I go to my room and then I apologize all will be okay". I thought it was a start, now I am not so sure.

Then I thought "remove the things that I know have a tendency to anger him". Yah, sounds good right? Well that would be almost everything in the house; video games, board games, books, school, homework, chores, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, green beans, corn, etc.

There is no reason to the madness that is my son. I am trying to remain patient, loving, calm, and understanding. So that he can feel safe and like he is not alone in his feelings. But I also have to teach 6 siblings how to deal with him, while dealing with him. I am exhausted! They have to know that when it starts, there is no stopping it, there is no reasoning with him, no distraction, no explanation, no threat of punishment nor consequence that will penetrate the boys thinking; he is in the tunnel too far. Sometimes I feel they trigger him because they know his fit will far out weigh anything that they did, so maybe they push him. I just don't know, all I do know is I cannot battle him while I have to battle them as well. I refuse to do it!

I feel, helpless, clueless and worst of all I don't like him very much. I don't like how he can turn a family board game into an uncomfortable spectacle. I don't like how I feel myself lose control of my patience and thought process. I don't know how to talk to he will listen, I try to do the active listening and he just persists to continue with his fit, so I feel I am left with no choice but to put him in his room, so we both can calm down to discuss it later.

I am tired and feeling quite helpless at the moment. I am hoping sleep will bring me peace and new sense of purpose and direction in the morning.

There has to be a way... maybe a bigger spoon?

Holy Crap on a Cracker! What a Day!

I touched on my "almost" obsession with family in my last post and I think with the help of Brene Brown and other authors, I am starting to figure out why I am in so homesick. Connection, that feeling of belonging you can only get and feel when you are face to face with someone. When you know, that you are safe to be who you are and how you are at that moment. That you will be listened to without judgement or having someone play the role or fixer, blamer or one-upper. They will just sit with you in that dark place and just be. No shame, no guilt, just acceptance and love. I don't have anything like that down here. I mean I know I can call them, talk to them on Facebook, but that just isn't the same. Our brains are hard wired for the feeling of connection, when that very simple need is met, we can grow and learn more. We feel fulfilled and are able to enjoy life more and not "sweat the little things" as much, because we aren't searching for that "safe place" that connection.

I thought that pretty cool... and it was like a light went on in my head. "This is why I wanna go home! I have no connections here". Well I have my husband and children, but I am also learning that our connections are faulty and in some desperate need of repair. Unfortunately, while those repairs are being made, I will be lacking on the connection front, but that is okay because now that I know what all that was about, I know how to fix it. Phone calls and letters, although those aren't face to face and can't replace the simple unspoken words of a silent hug, they will have to do for now. So, yay me! Thanks Brene Brown.

I also learned that I am, (how do I say this correctly?), I am not a bad parent I just have bad parenting skills. I have been guilty of telling my children that what they are feeling, they don't really feel. When they come to me and say; "I'm hungry." My response is to tell them; "you can't be hungry, we just had dinner." Yah, I see you nodding your head, we all are guilty of that in some way shape or form. It's 54 degrees outside, the child wants to go out without their sweater, "Put your sweater on, you're cold." Child accidentally get hits with pillow you are tossing on the couch, they grab their face, "OW Mom you got my eye." "Oh stop it it doesn't hurt it was just a pillow."  Need I go on? Yah I didn't think so. What I am  teaching them is that they shouldn't trust their instincts, that they should look to me to tell them how they feel or should react. Yah, if you thought your kids didn't have half the brain God gave a gnat before, yah keep that crap up and they will be waiting for you to tell them when they need to use the restroom or get a drink. (If only I knew how true that statement would be).

I am also guilty of; not paying direct attention to them when they speak to me. "By not looking away from the television or the book or whatever I am doing, I am not listening wholeheartedly. It basically, devalues them and they start to think and believe that they are not important enough, good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, entertaining enough for us to completely focus on them for even 30 seconds!" When I heard that, (it was an audio book), I had to pause it and I just starred at the screen for a few moments, as if trying to contact the author to clarify what I had just heard, but there was no one there, just the picture of the cover of the book. All the things they were talking about in the first 9 pages, were true of my family, of me! Holy Schznitts! 


I mean I had just done this before hearing that statement. Here's the scene: Nicholas came in to ask me for a snack. Now I was reading, but I had just looked at the clock and I realized it was snack time, so I basically knew someone was going to be in within the next 5 minutes, so I knew what was going to be asked before he even came in. Shoot, before he even got fully into the office and said "mom?", I had my answer already queued up, all I had to do was mindlessly hit play. I didn't even look up. I mean, I should get points for knowing my children, right? Why do I need to pay full attention to them if I know how they think? How is that going to be damaging?

If were "just a few times", probably not, but I started thinking about if there were other time and they flashed through my head like I was looking through those Fisher Price View -Master toy I had when I was a kid, and there were more than "just a few". I was heartbroken, because I realized if I had done this with my 8 year old, how many times have I done it through out my 23 years as a parent?

The other thing I learned and this is major, is I teach disrespect by allowing name calling in the house. Wha??  Yes, all those names I say in play; silly head, goofball,  weirdo, sometimes even idiot and retard, even though they are not meant in a mean or demeaning way. They should never be an okay thing to do. James and I shouldn't call each other names, we shouldn't call the kids names and we definitely shouldn't all them to call each other names. When we make that okay in the house because we are "playing" or "fooling around", they then think it's okay and they take it out of the house where others may not take it as "playful terms of endearment, and that is where our little "displays of affection" turns into meanness and even bullying. "Wha?! Shut the front door!"  I mean, I can even remember the excuse being made of "If I didn't like you I wouldn't pick on you", being thrown around when someone said they didn't like it when they were called names. What the hell! Things are becoming so clear to me now. Never thought about that did ya? Or maybe you did and I am a little dense or looking for someone to stand with me in this bright spotlight of "improper parenting".
The good thing about this is that I now realize it, and if I realize it I can acknowledge it as wrong and I can begin to make changes.

I am not the perfect parent- well I was before I had kids. Before they came along I know how it was going to be; it would be just like on The Cosby Show. I would parent with love and fairness and they would come to me with problems, admit their mistakes and learn from them and it definitely wouldn't hurt if they grew up to become successful Dr.s and lawyers and teachers. sigh 

Well reality has just set in; and this is not scripted! I am a good parent, my kids are good kids, but we can all be better. Especially now that I am learning and accepting that I don't know everything and more importantly, I probably won't know everything. I don't think anyone can ever know everything, because the rule books change all the time. I need to keep learning every day, through being/allowing myself to be seen vulnerable by making mistakes and admitting that they are indeed mistakes, to make myself look better to everyone else.