Hello, it has been a while since my last posting. I have been swamped with school and family "stuff" so any writing I have been able to do has been for classes and any free time has been spent with my family. Surprisingly, I passed all my classes and everyone is still alive, so I would have to say it was a pretty good semester and a great way to wrap up 2013.
This year has been a hell of year for me, to say the least, a lot of changes and a lot of losses, but there were also a lot of Blessings I either rediscovered or that just happened to appear in my life when I needed them the most.
I think that is the most important thing I take away from this year, to hold onto to the Blessings because things could be worse. But isn't that the old saying our parents, Grandparents even Great Grandparents used to say all the time? "Yes, things are bad, but they could be worse", and they were/are right, it can always get worse. So I am going to focus on the positives that are happening in my life and the negatives will just fall to the wayside.
Let's see, I found out my family is really an awesome family! If I had to admit a regret it would be that I didn't allow them to show me sooner. That I shut down and shut everyone who could/did love me out, because I felt unworthy or that there was something wrong with me. Turns out it wasn't me at all, I am an amazing person, I mean WOW you would be so lucky to be half of me. (Ewww, ego does not suit me, it turns my tummy), but anyway, I am the best and the worst of my parents, but what I choose to display, is the best!
Thanks to my Aunt Sadie and Cousin/Sister Dawn, I have been reminded of the good that runs in my family. For awhile I have to admit, I focused on the bad, the things that were wrong. I held onto it like a security blanket, because as long as I did I didn't have to allow myself to be vulnerable or "touchable" because there was this vale of "unworthiness" and as long as I had that, that could be my excuse for not trying, not reaching, not receiving.
I haven't put that security blanket in the trash yet, but it is a least tucked into a trunk. I still pull it out once in awhile when I am feeling down and sorry for myself, but I always manage to put it back. We all have those times, when we just want to stop being "everything" for everyone else and just "not be" anything for a little while. At those times I take it out and curl up with it on my bed and I think, "Is this how I wanna live the rest of my life? Curling up in my bed in the dark feeling unloved and unwanted unless I can do for other? Then I tell myself that I am done feeling sorry for myself and I put it away and move on.
Hopefully one day soon, I will be able to burn it along with all the other negative feelings I have been holding onto, because those are the things that keep me from being the real me.
My husband, my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! We are going through a rough patch, well have been going to through a rough patch, but we are working together to make things right again. I see him trying with the kids and the kids responding to that. I mean, once I get over the whole guilt for not being able to give them more and I realize that I am there parent, my job is not to make them happy 24/7/365, it is to teach them how make morally and ethically sound decisions in their lives. To be able to realize you don't have to have everything your way in order to be happy. Once I accept that as my philosophy and moral compass, things have gotten a whole lot better. My husband gets aggravated, but he is finding patience and that is the greatest gift I could ever hope to give him.
Well that and a boat load of kids and me! .oO(but that might be considered re-gifting LOL ) Either way, we may have our hills and valleys, sometimes even mountains and gorges, but we will climb or fall together and that is the best part, knowing that his hand is never too far away.
I have conquered another semester of college! Keeping my 3.0 GPA (granted it's .20 points lower than last semester, but Math and I, well we have just accepted that will we have to agree to disagree. So by the Spring of 2015, I should be graduating with my AAS in Social Work, then move onto to receive my Bachelors in Psychology, and somewhere in there we will move home, to Michigan! Home.... with my family and my other family! My two families becoming one big happy family! My greatest wish and most urgent dream, because time is not slowing down and I fear losing most of them before my kids get to meet them. To help them find their sense of family and heritage, but even more, the stories! Stories that even I don't know, those things you just can't learn from Ancestory.com.
I look back on 2013 with appreciation and some sorrow. I look to 2014 with promise, hope and nothing but love.
Merry Christmas to All May your Blessings be many and bright! And may your stockings and heart runneth over with love!
